Good Touch Bad Touch: Setting up Boundaries Early

One of the many things I wanted to teach Safa and my kids growing up was about setting physical boundaries. It is important we teach them what is appropriate and what is not. Growing up, our parents never really discussed these topics because they considered them taboo. I want to encourage a open dialogue with my kids so they don’t have to search elsewhere. Unfortunately I as a child was not taught these things and was taken advantage of. It’s a sensitive topic so always take cautious and talk to them openly. People may wonder, what’s the big deal? It’s just their grandfather or uncle. They love them! Well that may be true, we need to set these limits from an early age so as they grow into teenagers and eventually adults they know not to be pressured into anything. It also teaches them to respect other people boundaries and give others personal space. Hugs and kisses should only reserved for someone the child loves and has a relationship with. So an uncle or aunt she hasn’t seen in a while and curls up on your leg when she seems him/her is not someone who must be given a hug. Here are some guidelines that are helpful in talking to toddlers about Good Touch Bad Touch. Giving them these tools gives them a voice and empowers them to always speak up.

1. Talk to them about their body parts. Tell them the real name of all parts, no nicknames.
   I cannot stress the importance of this. Talk to them while giving them a bath or changing them clothes. Label their parts and tell them their ACTUAL names. So no silly nicknames. Use vagina and penis. Tell them about their private parts and and how they do not show or see anyone else parts. Explain how mommy and daddy only see them when they give them baths and change their clothes.

2. Teach them about what is appropriate and what is not.
   Differentiate between hugs and kisses for family and loved ones and handshakes and high fives for other people. When they visit the doctors, talk to them how the doctor will touch them to check them but they will be safe and mommy/daddy will be in the room. Some kids are also very affectionate so its important to stress that hugs and kisses are only for close loved ones and people they feel safe around. Of course if they want to hug their friends or other people that you know that are safe, that is fine but as long as they know they are safe people. I’ve seen an aunt in our community offer Safa chocolate if she comes and sits on her lap and that is something that also must be discussed. Do not take food and other treats for people she does not know and always ask us. These are red flags that if learned earlier, the better. Lastly, do not keep anyones secret. Always tell mommy and daddy if anyone asks to keep one.

3. Use Books.
   This is one of the best tools to use. It explains it to them in a simple way they can understand and always reference to. This book is one of my favorites. it really lays down all the rules in a way children can understand.

4. Teach children to say no thank you and give them an alternative.
   Sometimes kids can come off “rude” when they say no. I can understand that especially when family gets hurt. Now, its not our responsibility for them to be hurt, however, there is a way we can teach our kids to say no and to offer an alternative. Safa is super cautious around people she does not know or like. I’ve taught her if someone wants a hug or kiss you can say no thank you and instead offer a high 5 or handshake and even if that isn’t comfortable then she can just wave. This I feel is a great alternative in which their boundaries and wishes are still protected. I know grandparents especially can be hurt, but I’ve talked to them about having a conversation or playing a game with her instead of just picking her up and hugging her.

5. Model Behavior
   Most important is model the behavior you are teaching. Of course with our kids we hug them and kiss them. But there are times where Safa just doesn’t want to be hugged. And that is OKAY. I also only hug my family or close friends which sets the example that I don’t hug strange people. Would you want someone to come hug you and pick you up? Definitely not. Even though they are tiny humans, they are still humans.

6. Talk to family members and communicate with them.
   Something I’ve had to reluctantly do. Its not the easiest conversation and our families definitely think I’m too much but because of what I’ve gone through, I am very firm on my rules for my kids. Let them know how you feel and how you’ve talked to your kids about these boundaries. Eventually they will understand.

Hope this helps and gives you a quick guide in to talking to your toddlers and kids about good touch and bad touch.

a thoughtful mama