Toddler Tantrums: Creating a Safe Space
Oh Tantrums. The scariest part of toddlerhood that none of us look forward to. We hear it all the time: Uh oh get ready for the Terrible 2s. First thing to change is the word that we use for this behavior: “a tantrum”. A better description is an emotional dysregulation. .
Understanding and Accept Little Feelings
The first part to understand is our little ones feelings. I learned a lot from the book: How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen So Kids will talk. Although, it is meant for older children it can be applied to toddlers and young ones too. Many times we dismiss and disregard our toddlers feelings. When they say they’re tired, we say you’re not tired you just napped or if they fall down we say it’s okay you’re fine, get up. It seems small, but by accepting their feelings we help them understand their own feelings. When we disregard them, it makes them more furious and confused which many times can lead to more tantrums.
Find your calm
Before getting into practical steps, first we must find our calm. Try to come up with a list of actions that calm you down. Have them ready before. Deep breaths, drinking a glass of water, taking a quick walk, removing yourself from the situation: whatever helps you calm down, do it when your child is emotionally disregulated. For me, I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. I’ve noticed when I become more upset and more annoyed it only escalates the situation. Even though its so simple, it really helps me refocus and be a present and compassionate parent that my child needs.
Identify Antecedents
Now for the actual ‘tantrum’, what was going on before your child fell to the floor in a flood of tears? Was there a change in routine? Did they get something they didn’t like? Are they upset cause they felt ignored? There could be a variety of reasons. Of course there are times where it really won’t make sense to us like why did we place the glass on the left side of the table and not the right. But reasoning with a 2 year old really won’t get you anywhere. For my toddler, she gets frustrated with changes in routine without me telling her from before. When possible I give her a warning and although she may be upset, she quickly will understand.
Observe Behaviors
What is your child doing? Throwing themselves to the floor, crying hysterically, throwing things? What are they trying to accomplish? First, make sure they and those around them are safe. If they are, let them finish until they are a little calm. Trying to reason with them is like being in an eye of a storm. Give your child a few minutes to calm down on their own.
Note your Reaction
How did you react? Did your voice get louder? Did your get tone become different? Are you ignoring the behavior? Changing this part alone, will make a huge difference in reoccurance of their emotional dysregulations. For example, Safa recently woke up from her nap and asked for milk while she watches Daniel. However this time she didn’t eat lunch beforehand and when I said actually it’s lunch time: you wouldn’t imagine the flood of tears came out. I didn’t scream or yell. Instead I said: “I can understand your upset because you have milk after your nap and you’re sad. Today is a little different and you’ll have your lunch first and then can have milk”. She was a little upset but within a few minutes she was calm. I didn’t do anything special except really acknowledge her feelings and change my reaction. .
Creating a Safe Space
Now during the emotional dysregulatjon, if your child cannot calm down on their own, creating a safe space will help them do that. Reading, playing with blocks/toys, removing them from the situation, coloring and whatever it may be. Some of you may ask but isn’t that rewarding them? Sometimes it can be depending on what made them upset. For Safa, she sits on her reading sofa with some milk or quietly look at her books. For some kids, their trains will help them calm down. One piece of advice never try to distract them with TV or another toy. This doesn’t help them as they aren’t able to deal with their feelings. Instead their taught to shut off their emotions and move on. Also make sure it’s the same calm down activity to be help them be successful.
Respond with Compassion
No matter what you do, be compassionate. It’s so tough when they are screaming and hollering to be calm and collected. And will you lose it at times? Of course! The important part is your intention. Once you see a routine and what works for your child, it’ll be a lot easier to be calm. It’s key to stay calm because our kids learn from us how to manage their emotions. If they see us yelling and screaming, that’s what they will learn and feel is appropriate. We have to model behavior so they can see how to deal with these situations.
At the end of the day, we have to be thoughtful in our interactions and responses. Sometimes I find myself being mean or upset, and I know that’s not helping Safa but coming from a place of anger in myself. I worked with many moms who complained of their kids not listening to them when asked to do certain tasks. What I learned was when these kids were trying to get their parents attention, they were not listening and distracted by the TV, a phone call or talking to someone else. It’s key for us to model behavior for our kids. Eventually they will grow up to be their own person but the foundation starts with us!
“Children need simple, truthful, empathetic, but direct responses, especially when they are testing and learning limits. The parent who confronts situations honestly, acknowledging the child’s point of view and possible displeasure may worry about being the bad guy, but this will be the trusted, genuine guy, the brave person the child feels closest to and safest with. ”
